Maybe it’s just me, I doubt it, but there is something about Muslim men I have noticed in my brief stint as a fellow believer that is at times both comical and sad at the same time.
It would probably be easier to chalk the whole thing up to me being a convert, but I find that it would be highly unlikely that this is truly the case.
What I’m referring to are those little things that most Muslim women know, many Muslim men do, and non-Muslims often don’t even have a clue.
The primary “thing” if you will, that I have noticed more often than not has to do with the dramatic shift in personally, ideology, and behavior that many Muslim men go through upon getting married.
I am in no way incriminating myself by the way, even though I readily admit that I’m guilty as charged to some of the allegations I am about to bring forward.
It all starts with That girl…..
You know what I’m talking about, short, tall, petite, voluptuous, black, white, Arab, Muslim, or non-Muslim, at some point prior to the marriage of the future Mrs. we knew we had to have her. There was something about that girl that drove us mad (even though we probably were from the beginning) and we did whatever we thought was necessary to get her.
And therein lies the problem “we did whatever we thought was necessary to get her”…..
Now many issues will arise as they always do because of this mindset. Even the “ranking” or “checklist” we had for our ideal mate revealed how we would eventually act if we did in fact get her.
For the pious among us, we had to know how strong her Deen was, because after all we wanted someone to compliment us.
To others, this was a side note, or just another option that we would like to have, but could live without, kinda like a sunroof, spoiler, or premium sound on a car. Sad but true.
For the “pious” going after a woman choosing a woman based on her deen normally reduces the issues that undergird the Muslim Man Complex (MMC), for others because deen was optional, their choice is the exact catalyst to MMC issues.
Now let me pause right here, because I don’t want my words to be misconstrued. The examples in how Muslim men tend to choose have nothing to do with the vision of who this woman should be truly be in their minds. Emphasis on the “should be” part.
It’s really more of a priority thing. Some Muslim men priority some things over others. Nevertheless, a woman’s deen is on all Muslim men’s lists. The problem is due to like most humans what is said and what is done, is sometimes two different things. What a Muslim man says he wants regardless of priority and what he does….well isn’t this true of most men regardless of religion?
Now where was I?
Ultimately, who that woman is in the minds of men, can vary, but I’m certain speaking as a man that there is a lot of fantasy and unrealistic expectations mixed in there.
To that effect I believe that Muslim men driven on this fantasy of what a Muslim women should be, is often the root cause of many misteps and abusive tendencies that have sisters wondering what happened.
For the strangest reasons that baffle me even to this day, Muslim men will tend to marry women accepting who they were prior to the marriage and once married rejects most of it outright and expects her to change. Granted, this isn’t unique to Muslim men, but the problem with us is that our reasoning tends to be based in some religious ideology and thats where it gets dangerous.
If we prioritized what we really wanted and set realistic expectations prior to being married and chose accordingly we wouldn’t have many of the problems that we do today.
I feel it’s important that I interject here a few comments about what I mean about Deen. In my opinion, there is no specific definition of what deen statically encompasses and it’s very subjective and personal for the individual Muslim. For instance, in some Muslim’s minds A woman should never wear jeans in accordance with their deen, and for others like myself, that is ridiculous. Ultimately it’s all in the interpretation…. My reason for pointing this out is that these details are very important when considering marriage as “pious” is largely attached to ones individual concept of deen and pious is really just a measure of how well one adheres to that interpretation. As such, the only real difference in my example of the two groups of Muslim men is that one group is more apt to choose and stick with that choice based on their adherence to religious guidelines and others may not. The former is just more apt to admit how important their concepts of deen are to them and the other often don’t find out how important it is to them until after they get married.
That being said, this should be a warning to women out there Muslim or not before marrying a Muslim man. You should get him to open up about how he truly feels concerning religous issues and principles because it’s these things that haunt many a Muslim marriage. He may have had no problem prior to marriage about you not wearing Hijab, but often after the “I do’s” he wants you in a burka! He may not have had a problem with you being Jewish or Christian prior to marriage and may even agreed to one of those joint ceremonies, but after marriage, often he wants you to convert. The real issues concern the severity unto which Muslim men enforce or stress these new, realized, etc. ideals that their wives either never saw coming or didn’t expect to be enforced.
Honesty is the best policy and being frank and open about one’s desires for married life before hand can kill alot of the future heartbreak well in advance.
But this is just one of the many issues with Muslim men which I coin the MMC. For many reasons too many for me to surmise, we tend to change up things after getting married and want to enforce or impose our personal Shariah on unsuspecting spouses who didn’t even know we believed in the things in which we now expect.
Another thing that troubles me with Muslim men is our foolish actions and beliefs toward and about Muslim women.
My God I don’t think I have ever witnessed such insecurities from a group of people as I have as a Muslim man and it plagues us the world over in various extremes.
Are we afraid of women?
This has to be the root cause of our illness I’m convinced of it.
What is it about Muslim women that have us so shaken to the core that we want to deny her basic human rights like the right to education, income, choice, etc.? Many of us act as if the world would fall apart if a woman dare goes to school, work, or make some choices for herself. The absolute worst part about it is that many of us cloak our insecurity by using Islam as a pretext for our actions. Maybe I’m just an ignorant convert, but I have yet to find evidence Islamically speaking that would suggest that there is something inately wrong with a woman driving, becoming educated, or making decisions for herself.
I mean I could go on a tirade about what’s going on in so-called Muslim countries as it relates to the treatment of women, but I know for a fact that it’s not contained in just those regions of the world. It’s a sickness a complex if you that affects Muslim men the world over and evidence of many of these behaviors, insecurities, and overtures can be found even in the most Western of Muslim households. I would love to chalk it up to ethnic culture, but I have seen many a Western convert behave this way as if they never knew anything else other than what they know now as it relates to women. It’s almost as if there’s a Muslim man certificate that we are presented with upon conversion that states that now that we are a Muslim, we have to be frightened of women!
That’s how I truly feel. All this fake macho mess that Muslim men pretend to have is a farce. It’s a mask to cover up an insecurity in one’s self that makes one believe that if their wive, sister, daughter, etc. had the same access as they do, that these women would excel far greater than they could. I believe many Muslim men deep down actually feel inferior to women and their actions are more of a reaction to this deep rooted truth than anything else.
I pity these poor knuckle dragging barbarians, because it must truly suck to look at your wife every day whom you oppress, knowing that in truth, your not even worthy to kiss her feet.
Many Muslim men just lack faith and are not humble, it’s really that plain and simple. If you had faith you would accept that whatever is God’s will as it relates to women then you shouldn’t become a hinderance. If you were humble you would recognize the greatness in women’s mind and see a peer and an equal worthy of the rights you enjoy. If she’s smarter than you, oh well, if she’s more capable of earning than you, that’s fine too. I mean what’s the big deal anyway, what do we expect to happen if we let women have the opportunity to choose their destinies? Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness, Earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria?
I mean it’s all just too ridiculous when you sit back and look at it. Look how many Muslim women are in marriages right now knowing that they could do things much better than their husbands in various tasks but often theres nothing she can do about it and he’s to vain to admit the truth.
Sometimes what I witness really makes me cynical. I often find myself wondering if how Muslim women dress especially here in America have more to do how they personally choose to dress, or more with how her husband wants her to dress.
For me, I guess I’m still stuck in some of my former NOI ways because I truly believe what Elijah Muhammad stated as it relates to women and civilization. One can truly judge an entire people by the condition and treatment of their women.
If one were to look at Muslims as one bloc of people (which even I don’t encourage) and looked at how the majority of Muslim women are treated by Muslim men, what could they discern about Muslims in general? What conclusions could they come to as it relates to Muslim men?
I happen to believe that many would agree with me and state that Muslim men must have some sort of complex or insecurity that makes the hate women. We have to, because if we truly loved women, if we truly loved or Muslim women, we would not only want for them what we have for ourselves, but we would encourage in support them in such a way that our desire(s) for them would be that they excel us and are happy. How can you say you love someone and not want the best for them and pray that they accomplish the things that make them happy?
In the Bible, it is said that God is Love. I believe that wholeheartedly. I believe that Love cannot be the little pitiful thing often equated with vanities and lust in which we often equate it. Love must be only in the context of God if Love is equated with God and as such we should Love in the way that God Loves. As Muslims we should get this wholeheartedly as it was God’s Mercy, Compassion, and Love for which He gave His creation revelation. Revelation is a Mercy to mankind as God wanted for us that we may have guidance and advert perils in this life and in the life to come.
As such if we truly loved our women, we would have mercy and compassion, and would give guidance that leads to paradise. We would be the deliverer not the constant oppressor and tormentor.