An American Muslim The Book: Muslim Man Complex

Maybe it’s just me, I doubt it, but there is something about Muslim men I have noticed in my brief stint as a fellow believer that is at times both comical and sad at the same time.

It would probably be easier to chalk the whole thing up to me being a convert, but I find that it would be highly unlikely that this is truly the case.

What I’m referring to are those little things that most Muslim women know, many Muslim men do, and non-Muslims often don’t even have a clue.

The primary “thing” if you will, that I have noticed more often than not has to do with the dramatic shift in personally, ideology, and behavior that many Muslim men go through upon getting married.

I am in no way incriminating myself by the way, even though I readily admit  that I’m guilty as charged to some of the allegations I am about to bring forward.

It all starts with That girl…..

You know what I’m talking about, short, tall, petite, voluptuous, black, white, Arab, Muslim, or non-Muslim, at some point prior to the marriage of the future Mrs. we knew we had to have her. There was something about that girl that drove us mad (even though we probably were from the beginning) and we did whatever we thought was necessary to get her.

And therein lies the problem “we did whatever we thought was necessary to get her”…..

Now many issues will arise as they always do because of this mindset.  Even the “ranking” or “checklist” we had for our ideal mate revealed how we would eventually act if we did in fact get her.

For the pious among us, we had to know how strong her Deen was, because after all we wanted someone to compliment us.

To others, this was a side note, or just another option that we would like to have, but could live without, kinda like a sunroof, spoiler, or premium sound on a car. Sad but true.

For the “pious” going after a woman choosing a woman based on her deen normally reduces the issues that undergird the Muslim Man Complex (MMC), for others because deen was optional, their choice is the exact catalyst to MMC issues.

Now let me pause right here, because I don’t want my words to be misconstrued. The examples in how Muslim men tend to choose have nothing to do with the vision of who this woman should be truly be in their minds. Emphasis on the “should be” part.

It’s really more of a priority thing.  Some Muslim men priority some things over others.  Nevertheless, a woman’s deen is on all Muslim men’s lists.  The problem is due to like most humans what is said and what is done, is sometimes two different things. What a Muslim man says he wants regardless of priority and what he does….well isn’t this true of most men regardless of religion?

Now where was I?

Ultimately, who that woman is in the minds of men, can vary, but I’m certain speaking as a man that there is a lot of fantasy and unrealistic expectations mixed in there.

To that effect I believe that Muslim men driven on this fantasy of what a Muslim women should be, is often the root cause of many misteps and abusive tendencies that have sisters wondering what happened.

For the strangest reasons that baffle me even to this day, Muslim men will tend to marry women accepting who they were prior to the marriage and once married rejects most of it outright and expects her to change.  Granted, this isn’t unique to Muslim men, but the problem with us is that our reasoning tends to be based in some religious ideology and thats where it gets dangerous.

If we prioritized what we really wanted and set realistic expectations prior to being married and chose accordingly we wouldn’t have many of the problems that we do today.

I feel it’s important that I interject here a few comments about what I mean about Deen.  In my opinion, there is no specific definition of what deen statically encompasses and it’s very subjective and personal for the individual Muslim.  For instance, in some Muslim’s minds A woman should never wear jeans in accordance with their deen, and for others like myself, that is ridiculous.  Ultimately it’s all in the interpretation….  My reason for pointing this out is that these details are very important when considering marriage as “pious” is largely attached to ones individual concept of deen and pious is really just a measure of how well one adheres to that interpretation.  As such, the only real difference in my example of the two groups of Muslim men is that one group is more apt to choose and stick with that choice based on their adherence to religious guidelines and others may not.  The former is just more apt to admit how important their concepts of deen are to them and the other often don’t find out how important it is to them until after they get married.

That being said, this should be a warning to women out there Muslim or not before marrying a Muslim man.  You should get him to open up about how he truly feels concerning religous issues and principles because it’s these things that haunt many a Muslim marriage.  He may have had no problem prior to marriage about you not wearing Hijab, but often after the “I do’s” he wants you in a burka!  He may not have had a problem with you being Jewish or Christian prior to marriage and may even agreed to one of those joint ceremonies, but after marriage, often he wants you to convert.  The real issues concern the severity unto which Muslim men enforce or stress these new, realized, etc. ideals that their wives either never saw coming or didn’t expect to be enforced.

Honesty is the best policy and being frank and open about one’s desires for married life before hand can kill alot of the future heartbreak well in advance.

But this is just one of the many issues with Muslim men which I coin the MMC.  For many reasons too many for me to surmise, we tend to change up things after getting married and want to enforce or impose our personal Shariah on unsuspecting spouses who didn’t even know we believed in the things in which we now expect.

Another thing that troubles me with Muslim men is our foolish actions and beliefs toward and about Muslim women.

My God I don’t think I have ever witnessed such insecurities from a group of people as I have as a Muslim man and it plagues us the world over in various extremes.

Are we afraid of women?

This has to be the root cause of our illness I’m convinced of it.

What is it about Muslim women that have us so shaken to the core that we want to deny her basic human rights like the right to education, income, choice, etc.?  Many of us act as if the world would fall apart if a woman dare goes to school, work, or make some choices for herself.  The absolute worst part about it is that many of us cloak our insecurity by using Islam as a pretext for our actions.  Maybe I’m just an ignorant convert, but I have yet to find evidence Islamically speaking that would suggest that there is something inately wrong with a woman driving, becoming educated, or making decisions for herself.

I mean I could go on a tirade about what’s going on in so-called Muslim countries as it relates to the treatment of women, but I know for a fact that it’s not contained in just those regions of the world.  It’s a sickness a complex if you that affects Muslim men the world over and evidence of many of these behaviors, insecurities, and overtures can be found even in the most Western of Muslim households.  I would love to chalk it up to ethnic culture, but I have seen many a Western convert behave this way as if they never knew anything else other than what they know now as it relates to women.  It’s almost as if there’s a Muslim man certificate that we are presented with upon conversion that states that now that we are a Muslim, we have to be frightened of women!

That’s how I truly feel.  All this fake macho mess that Muslim men pretend to have is a farce.  It’s a mask to cover up an insecurity in one’s self that makes one believe that if their wive, sister, daughter, etc. had the same access as they do, that these women would excel far greater than they could.  I believe many Muslim men deep down actually feel inferior to women and their actions are more of a reaction to this deep rooted truth than anything else.

I pity these poor knuckle dragging barbarians, because it must truly suck to look at your wife every day whom you oppress, knowing that in truth, your not even worthy to kiss her feet.

Many Muslim men just lack faith and are not humble, it’s really that plain and simple.  If you had faith you would accept that whatever is God’s will as it relates to women then you shouldn’t become a hinderance.  If you were humble you would recognize the greatness in women’s mind and see a peer and an equal worthy of the rights you enjoy.  If she’s smarter than you, oh well, if she’s more capable of earning than you, that’s fine too.  I mean what’s the big deal anyway, what do we expect to happen if we let women have the opportunity to choose their destinies? Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness, Earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria?

I mean it’s all just too ridiculous when you sit back and look at it.  Look how many Muslim women are in marriages right now knowing that they could do things much better than their husbands in various tasks but often theres nothing she can do about it and he’s to vain to admit the truth.

Sometimes what I witness really makes me cynical.  I often find myself wondering if how Muslim women dress especially here in America have more to do how they personally choose to dress, or more with how her husband wants her to dress.

For me, I guess I’m still stuck in some of my former NOI ways because I truly believe what Elijah Muhammad stated as it relates to women and civilization.  One can truly judge an entire people by the condition and treatment of their women.

If one were to look at Muslims as one bloc of people (which even I don’t encourage) and looked at how the majority of Muslim women are treated by Muslim men, what could they discern about Muslims in general?  What conclusions could they come to as it relates to Muslim men?

I happen to believe that many would agree with me and state that Muslim men must have some sort of complex or insecurity that makes the hate women.  We have to, because if we truly loved women, if we truly loved or Muslim women, we would not only want for them what we have for ourselves, but we would encourage in support them in such a way that our desire(s) for them would be that they excel us and are happy.  How can you say you love someone and not want the best for them and pray that they accomplish the things that make them happy?

In the Bible, it is said that God is Love.  I believe that wholeheartedly.  I believe that Love cannot be the little pitiful thing often equated with vanities and lust in which we often equate it.  Love must be only in the context of God if Love is equated with God and as such we should Love in the way that God Loves.  As Muslims we should get this wholeheartedly as it was God’s Mercy, Compassion, and Love for which He gave His creation revelation.  Revelation is a Mercy to mankind as God wanted for us that we may have guidance and advert perils in this life and in the life to come.

As such if we truly loved our women, we would have mercy and compassion, and would give guidance that leads to paradise.  We would be the deliverer not the constant oppressor and tormentor.

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One Comment

  1. I will show you a scary-true metaphor, of how the way misogynistic men treat and view women….Much like riding horses… But are unfortunately- POOR, INCOMPETENT HORSEMEN. It seems that this “MMC” that you speak of is certainly not limited to the world of Islam, It is a complex that men either keep or let go of, depending on their ability to face reality and accept things as they are.
    This complex is VERY similar to the fearful insecurity and tugging hands of an unbalanced horsebackrider who lacks confidence in himself, That doubts he can control the horse beneath the saddle in which he sits..He tries to balance himself with the reins, But just ends up holding the horse back, Like he wants to go somewhere, By keeping that death grip on the poor horse’s mouth, albeit with a very harsh and cold iron bit, he ends up signaling that horse to back up and ultimaltely ends up going nowhere but backward; So when the horse doesn’t respond, He whips and spurs the horse out of frustration….He ends up with a horse that listens out of fear, He can’t guide the horse forward in any way if he keeps pulling him/her backward, You also cannot genuinely lead a horse out of trust by applying a stud chain over his/her nose. Once that chain comes off, That horse will do one of two things or fatally to the handler-or both. This horse will 1. most likely bolt from the handler who is abusive and causes him/her pain, or 2. rear and strike out at said abusive handler, possibly biting his throat and then bludgeoning him into the sand with his/her front hooves…So my conclusion is, That the misogynist man aquires a false sense of security in violently opressing, undermining and abusing/restricting the activities of women out of frustration, Because he figures: women are inherently STRONGER than men, women can carry and then vaginally push out a full term baby with confidence and naturally posess a very high pain tolerance. Women are born caretakers, caretakers have the potential to become dictators and make their own decisions in a strong manner, This makes the misogynist man feel small and unworthy; even afraid of being dominated, which will happen when he lets his “guard” down to that of a more relaxed, normal man with a helthy outlook and mindset who is taught from an early age to respect females as equal and hold them in high esteem. His insecurity drives him to become delusional, So delusional that he feels he must exude an aura of arrogance, machismo and false confidence to have a sense of false “dominion” over females…I am a female myself, I am only 17yrs old and am unusually conservative and modest for my generation and time.I can be described as a strong-willed, Simple, kind-hearted, bright, knowledgeable and albeit highly sensible and respectable young woman who speaks up for herself and is not afraid of much….I have been thus far, and will be using, the analogy of the union between a horse and his/her rider; because it is so obvious that women bare the load in this world, men like to dictate; but when a woman “acts out” or “rebels” from the man’s dictation and constant expectations and demands; that man falls out of his saddle and bruises his ego. alot of men learn the hard way that women are the very fabric that keeps our world together; women can carry and bear children, women have the power to end the human race as it is if they decided not to mate with men anymore; kind of like how the horse will carry you, but the minute you stop moving with that horse’s rythm and pull something stupid by trying to be the sole dictator of the ride; you are NOT guiding anymore, you are not working WITH the horse any longer; you are then working AGAINST a being that could potentially end your life as you know it in less than a few seconds. The life of (a rider) is like the life of the male and the entire human race as we know it, it depends on how he treats the female (the proverbial “horse” of the genders); men think they are in control, when in reality they are really just along for the ride, if this ride is gonna progress; the rider must realize that disrespecting and undermining the horse they sit on will ultimately end with their demise. when you abuse a woman; you are agitating an extremely potent and powerful life force; just because she cowers in pain or passiveness doesn’t mean she doesn’t have plans or a mind of her own; woman is generally forgiving, rational and patient (note how even in the animal kingdom, when observing the complex dynamics or herd or pack animals-it is unquestionably the alpha that is always the more placid one, the alpha is not confrontational because the alpha is confident in themself as a strong leader and dictator within their herd/pack); man is generally logical, demanding and begrudging (fear/agression complex, simultaneous with MMC and other forms of fierce misogyny). riders who do stupid things or work against the horse they sit upon will undoubtedly get thrown, kicked, or even crippled/killed eventually; because women are alot like horses: Selfless, Hard working, Enduring, Elegant, Beautiful, Powerful, Strong minded, Emotional..full of stamina and fire, beautiful to look at but hard to control or capture. To ride a horse is most definetly a PRIVILEDGE and NOT a GIVEN RIGHT….Just like earning and deserving a woman’s undivided attention, love, caring, respect, trust and co-operation must be,and can only be, EARNED in a delicate balance of consideration, worthiness, respect and mutual strategy; in other words: TEAMWORK…Men really are along for the ride, they think they are in control when it is the seemingly “lesser sex” that makes all the music (and bread, and babies for that matter) in reality. because behind every strong woman, there is a man who has a false sense of dominion over her, Just because in a traditional marriage, he is the breadwinner, in other words he is the one who pays her expenses; but selfishly, he forgets that she cooks, cleans, has his back in any and all bad situations, gives him children; gives him her all..and what does she get back in return??…the satisfaction of KNOWING for a FACT, that MEN WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT WOMEN TO BARE THE LOAD AND TAKE CARE OF THEM.
    Behind every great man, Is a woman who made him who he is, a woman who carries him through the storm and puts up with his nonsense and mess; whether that woman be his wife, his own mother, an older sister that helped raise him, a nurse, a teacher, or even his humble cleaning maid.

    Now this is when my tone of tongue requires me to write in ALL CAPS:

    WHETHER MEN ARE WILLING TO ADMIT IT OR NOT-WOMEN ARE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT, US WOMEN WERE PUT HERE BY GOD IN THE HIGHEST TO TAKE CARE OF MEN AND KEEP THE HUMAN RACE GOING STRONG. EVEN IN THE GARDEN OF EDEN; EVE ATE THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT, AND LIKE ANY MAN- ADAM FOLLOWED SUITE..BECAUSE WOMEN HAVE THE POWER TO INFLUENCE MEN AND CARRY OUT ANY DUTY THAT MEN ARE TO LAZY TO DO, MEN WOULD BE LITERALLY LOST WITHOUT WOMEN. MEN NEED WOMEN..AND THEY HATE TO ADMIT THAT, THE FIERCE MISOGYNY SEEN IN MANY MEN, IT SPANS ACROSS EVERY ETHNICITY, CLASS, RELIGION AND AGE, IS DEEPLY ROOTED AND BASED IN FEAR…AND STEMS FROM A CARNAL, PRIMITIVE KNOWLEDGE, EVEN IF KNOWLEDGE DOESN’T APPLY TO THESE FEAR-BLINDED; OFTEN EXTREMELY UNEDUCATED AND IGNORANT MEN, THEY ARE SEEMINGLY ONLY SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT WOMEN ARE A THREAT TO THEIR NEED FOR POWER; MEAT; FIRE AND THE ELUSIVE “POOR MAN’S DOMINION” (WHICH IS WHEN THEY CANNOT DOMINATE WITH KNOWLEDGE, ONLY WITH VIOLENCE AND BRUTE FORCE; BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE THE MINDPOWER, STAMINA, ENDURANCE, COURAGE OR PAIN THRESHOLD THAT MAKES US WOMEN THE INHERENTLY ENDURING, LONGLIVED GENDER. MEN WILL ALWAYS THINK THEY ARE IN CONTROL, PARTICULARLY MARRIED MEN WHO ARE THE SOLE BREADWINNERS OF THEIR HOUSEHOLD. EVENTHOUGH IT IS WOMEN, THAT DICTATE WHETHER THEY WILL EVEN HAVE A HOT DINNER TO COME HOME TO AT THE END OF A LONG LABOROUS DAY; GIVE THEM A BACK RUB, RUN THEIR BATHS; WASH THEIR SWEATY WORK UNIFORM, LISTEN TO THEM AND OFFER THEN COMFORT AND SANCTUARY WITH FEMININE AFFECTION AND AN ALMOST MATERNAL LOVE.. MISOGYNISTIC MEN ARE THE LOWEST LIFEFORM BELOW THE MICROBIAL CELLS FOUND IN AGED BOWELMOVEMENT. THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT “UNGREATFUL WOMEN” BUT IT’S REALLY THEY WHO ARE THE UNGREATFUL ONES, WHEN THEIR MOTHER CARRIED THEM FOR 9 WHOLE MONTHS, EVEN IF THE GESTATION WAS FREE OF COMPLICATIONS, WOMEN WHO BIRTH THESE FUTURE-MISOGYNIST SONS, ARE ENDURING UNSPEAKABLE PAIN AND DISCOMFORT JUST TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY SAFELY ARRIVE INTO THIS WORLD, WHICH THEY WILL FOOLISHLY THINK THAT THEY OWN; WHEN IF IT WASN’T FOR A WOMAN (THEIR OWN MOTHER) THEY WOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE, TO BE “IN CONTROL” IN THE FIRST PLACE…BECAUSE MEN CAN’T BIOLOGICALLY CREATE A NEW LIFE TOGETHER. MEN KNOW WOMEN CAN OVERPOWER THEM IF THEY SUDDENLY STOP BEING THE FAIRER GENDER; IF WOMEN SHALL EVER BECOME MORE LIKE MEN; THAT WILL END THE HUMAN RACE, AND THAT’S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY TRUTHFUL AND LOGICAL PIECE OF INFORMATION THAT THESE PARTICULAR MEN EVEN HAVE THE CAPACITY TO AKNOWLEDGE AND ADIBE BY: THAT WOMEN MIGHT SEEM PASSIVE AND RULED BY THEIR EMOTIONS, BUT THAT IS A SIGN OF INTELLIGENT LIFE; MEN TRY TO HIDE THEIR EMOTIONS, TO CONTROL THEM; BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY THING THEY CAN CONTROL; IT MAKES THEM FEEL MACHO. WOMEN DON’T NEED TO HIDE THEIR EMOTIONS BECAUSE WOMEN ARE GENERALLY MORE SURE OF THEMSELVES AND COOL HEADED THAN MEN, WOMEN ARE LESS INSECURE; MEN TRY TO MAKE WOMEN INSECURE ABOUT THEIR BODIES, BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY CAN’T ATTACK WOMAN’S MIND..BECAUSE MEN KNOW THAT THE FEMALE BODY IS, POUND PER POUND, MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN THE MALE BODY IS AND EVER WILL BE. BOTTOM LINE IS: WOMEN CARRY MEN THROUGH, WOMEN TAKE ALOT OF CRAP AND LET IT GO BECAUSE THEY AREN’T EGOTISTICAL AS MEN ARE; WOMEN DON’T FEEL THE NEED TO PROVE ANYTHING, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY SELF-ASSURED. WOMEN WILL RISE AGAIN, AND WE, THE ESTROGEN WARRIORS- ARE A NOT A MEEK FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.

    -M.A.S, 17 F CAN.

    Reply

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